Photo
Photo
A good show with some good green!

A good show with some good green!

Photo
One love.

One love.

Text

Real Talk #64

A new case study this year has scientifically proven that it is possible to defecate on your own genitalia. Though the process of angles and projection of the waste itself is nigh impossible to recreate without the correct equipment, it is indeed possible to ‘shit on your own dick.’

Text

Real Talk #63

Alien life has been confirmed to exist on planet Earth, in the form of snapbacks designed for younger adolescents. These harmless looking hat-formed creatures degenerate brain cell growth and inhibit intelligence up to 79%. Many scientists blame this alien invasion for the dumbing down of younger generations.

Text

Real Talk #62

Though many scientists will deny this claim with extreme prejudice, it has been proven that all life started not with the Big Bang, but with the Big Bang’s mother, who very much like the Virgin Mary gave birth to a universe without the need of a father universe. The Big Bang’s mother passed away shortly after the birth, thus leaving what we know of the universe today.

Text

Real Talk #61

Though not always apparent, having two cats of opposite genders living in the same home can result in cat-related incidents of domestic violence. Being territorial and independent creatures, cats prefer having a home to themselves, but upon arrival of a cat of the opposite gender, they enter a common law relationship which nearly always goes sour, ending up with either cat eventually divorcing the other.

Text

Real Talk #60

It is widely known that the heavier music you listen to, the greater the tolerance to music overall. A study in Sweden showed that heavy metal fans had a much stronger tolerance to music played over the radio, some showing signs of selective hearing, giving them the ability to tune out music they find deplorable at any time. Eventually this talent can be put to use for ALL sounds, though some mistakenly label it as tinnitus.

Text

Real Talk #59

Tables were first invented a few years before the coming of Christ. They were created for the use of human sacrifice, foregoing the need to sit on the floor to tear out the victim’s heart. Tables were not used for putting stuff on until 400 A.D., when during a sacrifice ceremony, the shaman accidentally laid his knife down on the table, and was awed by its superior balance and motionlessness.

Text

Real Talk #58

There is a rare kind of nomadic cactus that prefers to live inside caves, avoiding sunlight at all costs. This special cactus uses the method of reverse-photosynthesis (the act of shedding excess energy in the form of light) to blind wandering animals and even humans that enter the cave unaware of the cactus’s presence. They are carnivorous in nature, and will pounce on their vulnerable victim, using sharp needles to tear at their skin so it can feast on their blood.

Text

Real Talk #57

In the 1980’s, an ex-NASA retiree planned to execute his own trip to the Moon in his backyard, constructing an immense model rocket that he reported having ‘sound structural integrity’ and ‘immaculate design’. The initial launch of the three stage rocket was successful, though tragically mid-flight the bubblegum holding the engine in place degraded in adhesive quality, causing the rocket to plummet through the roof of a nearby khaki store.

~Dedicated to my close friend and fellow randomness enthusiast, Jaycee. :)

Text

Real Talk #56

The cliched phrase “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” first originated in the 40s, when a man with a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder tried to balance a tin can on a nail for fifty six consecutive hours, foregoing all food and drink until tragically succumbing to starvation.

Text

Real Talk #55

It is not well known that if chocolate is heated at a precise temperature, it will actually come to life instead of boiling. The U.S. government funded the research, hoping that reanimated chocolate could be used as infiltration scouts during wars with Middle Eastern countries. Unfortunately due to the heat, their forms would melt quickly. Now they are easily identified by the numerous handheld fans taped to their bodies to maintain form.

Text

Real Talk #54

There exists a kind of frog in the Amazon that is actually not a frog at all, but a shape shifting telepathic poodle that can travel the space time continuum. It speaks many languages fluently and holds vast knowledge of the past and future. Like a leprechaun, if it is caught, it offers its captor a monetary reward for its freedom, though it nearly always gets revenge within the next week by changing its captors fate and causing them to die sooner than expected.

Text

Real Talk #53

There once was a man who smelled so strongly of chocolate, that scientists urged him to donate his body for research upon his death. The autopsy revealed that the man was completely made of chocolate, inside and out, with an outside appearance of a regular human being but filled to the brim with cocoa beans on the inside.